Change of Plans

Just to let you all know, I will be blogging on another site from here on out.:) You can find me at victoriaashley.wordpress.com cause how easy is that I tell you?!

Me, Myself, and I

Alrighty! Due to the immense and immediate response to my last entry--this in the form of two comments from my mom and former small group leader, Katie Scott, cause they're really the only ones in the blogging universe and were somehow convinced that others are in their midst--I've decided to write another entry.
Unfortunately, I've no new life changing....Alright, here's what just happened, are you paying attention? 'Cause I'm about to take you and lay you bound and helpless on the tracks of my train of thought, so you should probably pay attention. I was going to say, "Unfortunately, I have no new life changing stigma to unveil to you." Then I said to myself, I think stigma's the right word. I think it means like statement of personal belief, don't judge me, I'm tired today, ya, I think that's what it means. Then I was like, Tori, you really don't know if that's what stigma means. And I said, Ya but I'm pretty sure that's what it means. But then I was all, Ya, but Katie and mom are the only ones who read this and you don't want to use a completely wrong word when writing to them and you haven't written in a while and it would feel good to use dictionary.com, and there are just so many reasons to listen to yourself right now. So then I was like, Woa, woa, woa. Why did you have to bring dictionary.com into this situation? And then I said, Why are you getting all defensive about it? And I was all, I'm not defensive, I just don't understand why you had to bring him up, I mean, I thought you were ok with that whole thing....

Long story short, stigma means a mark of disgrace so...I have no new life changing stigma to unveil to you.:)

Thought you might enjoy a little literature...

The Sky

It was too dark to see anything so I just stared up. Black trees against an ocean blue sky. Beautiful and ominous as so much of the world is.
I saw the sky. The sky is not part of the world. Yes, it’s part of the planet. It envelops us and contains us. It herds the continents like cattle and maintains them in a small circle in the midst of stars, moons, and entire galaxies. The sky is a monster of galactic proportions. It really doesn’t care who we are or what we’re doing, it just envelops and contains and herds and maintains. A totalitarian ruler even of the free nations.
But beyond the science, the sky is a window into the wildest dreams of every human to walk beneath its bows. The magic mirror. Enchanted. Whether sensible or a hopeless romantic, the sky may spark any mystical train of thought available and send you whirling into a land that you may have forgotten existed: The Imagination. Never Never Land, King Arthur, Narnia, Middle Earth, Mount Olympus, just about anywhere you wish to be, the sky.

Music as it Lives in My Head

music
music music music
what is this thing that twists and splits its way thought your ears and mind and so deep deep deep into the place you didn't know it could reach. It pierces all the way to your spirit--sometimes faster than we may be prepared for. This wonderful song that I hadn't heard in some time twisted and split its way all the way to my spirit today.
My friend Micah loaned me his Jason Upton CDs and I quickly downloaded the one I used to have before I set out to my favorite Starbucks to do some homework. But as I sat in the fuzzy grey chair-- and tried to not notice the two old men discussing college football and the rain, and after I had realized that I forgot the one book I needed for homework--I couldn't help but listen to that one song that I knew was especially good. This was not the smartest of all of Tori Stern's decisions. I know what you're thinking, Mom, and no, I didn't cry in the middle of Starbucks....I closed my eyes and pushed the headphones farther into my ears and may have rocked the tiniest of bits to the beat of that wonderful wonderful song. In my head and my spirit I was screaming the words at the enemy and claiming my identity in the Lord, it's jut that kind of song. I'm going to try to put it up on my blog, but the odds kind of suck, so here's a pierce for you to read and soak up as your own:

Before you read:
If you have ever heard my mom, Bo Stern, preach, you know the kind of fervor and persuasion that is wrapped into this song.In the course of her message, this would be the part where she would be yelling--perhaps accidentally--or stomping her right foo, an act I always think is rather cute of her. If you haven't heard her speak, go right now to www.westsidechurch.org and go to the messages section, scroll down til you find her name and listen to her latest sermon at Westside Church in my home town. It's only about thirty minutes and worth every one.

FREEDOM!
Well back in the Bible there was that old Pharo
Who ruled over Egypt and Israel
God spoke to Moses through fired up bushes
'Hey, kick off your shoes and stay a while

All of humanity
was made to worship me
Pharo get out of my way'

God is saying

'Freedom to dance
Freedom to sing
Freedom to grow'
I'm tellin you
Pharo let God's people go!



That's just part of it, and with out the violin, it's not nearly the thing it had been in Starbucks, it's called Freedom by Jason Upton.
What's your spirit piercing song?

Life Is...

I am visiting Portland! So excited to move. It’s remarkable how God does that. I love my family more than anything, but all I want is what will take me three hours away from them. I get to move. I get to go to Bible College. I get to leave Bend behind. I never thought this would make me excited, but it’s all I can think of. God wrought me from the cozy life I had to gain a life that will grow me and make me happy again. To move away from old hurts and forget some of the past. To have a friend who really does want to be with me. Who loves and is loyal to me. Who loves and is loyal to God. Who can admit when they’re wrong and forgive me when I am. So many things I’ve had and lost I’ll have again.

I wrote this a few weeks before I left and now that I’ve been here for even one week, I can see what was hidden then. I moved away and the same past didn‘t evaporate. I moved away and have to make all new friends while navigating the old ones. The things I had and lost haven’t arrived yet. Now I’m floating. It’s like trying to stay at the bottom of the pool. I’ve got one hand touching it, and one hand tries to keep me from floating away, but I can’t breathe on the surface. I understand that I’ve only been there a week and I’m not saying it’s wrong or unfair or needs to be fixed. It just is. It’s life, and sometimes life needs to be said. I hope you don’t mind my using my blog as a way to talk my life out with myself; but I’m a firm believer in the power of seeing someone else’s raw life and using it to fix your own.

Waiting to sink,
Tori

My Crooked Path

I've gone through my first week in my new place and this is what I've learned. Life comes. It does not rush or drag it's feet. It comes. I am all that hinders it. Me and my constant battle with God for control. Now, none of my futile attempts at reasoning or the debating of reason will do anything to gain me ground. God lets me win. He'll warn and call and pull and try to win me from myself, but once I persist long enough, I'm set free.
At this point one of two things happens. Either I fall flat on my face and come toothless back to Daddy God, or, as per usual, I launch myself into a slow drag down into dismal despair.
I don't think it's always in order to keep my comfort safe, but right at this moment I can't think of any occasion when it hasn't.
Those of you wiser than me are surely shaking your head in embarrassment, knowing that I'll only encounter more pain and shame and emptiness than I ever would have following God step by step. I know, and I'm working on it.
All of this hard earned wisdom came back to me this week as I tried with everything I had to ignore the voice that I have for years honed the ability to hear. I blocked it out with all I had, just in case it didn't say what I wanted. Then, finally, I gave in. I said I know I'm wrong, I know you're right, set me in the right direction again. And that night I had the best night I'd had all 3 days of college. Not that dramatic, I know, but I'm one of the lucky ones. Not only have I worked with God to be trained to hear His voice, I've had it prayed over me for years. I understand that most of us have a harder time figuring out what the matter is. Next time try getting with God and asking him to take your perspective and make it His. You never know what fun is lying around the corner.

Here at last, here at last! Thank God Almighty, I am here at last!

This is my awesome roommate and an awesome elephant jaw.

Dear friends and family,
I arrived safe and sound to my new home in Portland and am now officially living in the Land of Port. I’m living in the less than large dorms with a less than large roommate(4 feet and 11 inches and ¾) named Amanda Field who’s awesome! Over the past Three days I’ve successfully moved in, gotten almost everything needed for my room-all that’s left is an office supply or two which everyone knows are the best best things to have to buy:-]-, taken English and Bible placement exams, gotten very very lost, gotten a flat tire, and went to orientation. I think my favorite moment was when I found totally adorable post-its for way more cheep than the normal ones!! (Ya, it’s worth two exclamation points, totally serious.)
I’m discovering many things. One of those things is that if I don’t buy some healthy snacks soon, I’ll be a very rich sumo wrestler by the end of the year. Also, the Dollar Tree is my friend.
The biggest thing I’ve learned so far is that I had no idea what I was doing when I got in my car to leave town. I had no idea that I was leaving. I had no idea that I was staying when I got here. I had no idea I’d have to build relationships again. I had no idea the old ones weren’t coming too. I just had no idea. I did, however, know I had no idea. It’s just astounding at times to run smack into what I didn’t know. To be suddenly hit by an unfamiliar force and discover it’s the feeling of missing someone or something. I’m bracing myself for tonight. It’s my third night away from home and it’s always on the third night that I want nothing more than to run home. In preparation for tonight, I started calling home Bend(because that’s it’s human name) and calling the dorms home. I keep telling myself I’m living my life. This is life. But secretly I think it’s not. College isn’t high school, but it’s not real life, I don’t think….I’ll keep you posted on that train of thought, ‘cause I might be wrong.
Despite all the newness and…raw feeling, I am very excited. This is the new chapter, the next part. It’s whatever I want it to be, just as I’m whoever I want to be.

So here are some pictures of what I miss and what makes my new life happy!